Missing Teaching

So for the first time in five years I am looking at school supplies for myself not for my classroom, not for my students. Tonight, while bored and watching the Braves, I started reflecting on not teaching this year.

Here is my rambling thoughts as they come to me...

- I'm relieved. Back in July while still at camp, I first saw school supplies out and I literally laughed out loud as relief swept through me with the realization that I wasn't teaching, realizing that I was not returning to Athens to buy tons of supplies for almost 30 students and facing a very stressful job.

- I don't hate teaching. I realized this before I resigned but I think in with all of my reflections this still should be noted. There are things about teaching that I love and I still think about and my brain plans for but I do not enjoy the profession of teaching. It is very stressful and full of many jobs, tasks, and requirements that are not necessarily related to teaching...they are but they aren't. I loved to work with students and think of ways and research ways to help students understand concepts that they were not getting but off the data collecting and interventions and such got to me especially when you had to do something for 6 weeks and I could tell with students after 2 days that what we were doing wasn't working. Its a frustrating world that of teaching in the United States in public schools. I'm thankful not to be part of it.

- I honestly think that Gaines Elementary is covered in a spirit of darkness. To be in a building that you meet almost all teachers and others working there that were discouraged, tense, mad, angry, frustrated, etc was a struggle and hard not to fall into those same feelings which I did both years...which I still do when I think about my time there and hear about things that are happening there now. There were several times, especially my second year there, that I really just wanted to stop what I was doing and talk to people (especially students) about the love of Jesus...the fact that they are loved beyond what they do and beyond their circumstances. I should have been more open to many colleagues about what I believed and share that love that I have found in Christ. Either way, I am thankful that God has called me from that and moved me towards something that I am extremely passionate about.

- I wonder often if I was ever supposed to teach in the first place. I wanted to be a missionary up until I went to Korea and saw an international school. I know I will never know that answer but I know that God has used the last 5 years tremendously and I think because of my time teaching, I have developed and even greater desire to follow God's leading to missions as I see how He has truly given me a heart and passion for missions.

- I still think about what an ideal teaching situation would be for me. I still have that desire to teach others.

- I love school supplies. I love the displays and piles and piles of them. I love thinking about how they can be used in fun and creative ways in the classroom.

- I wish I was more creative as a teacher. I think I would have enjoyed the job a lot more.

- There have been about 2 times in the last week that I have thought about how I would manage my classroom if I was teaching this year. I would approach it like I approached my Bible study groups this summer...intentional, group centered, giving all a chance to express their thoughts, making it more of a learning community. I wish I had the chance to see if that would work because I think it would make a significant difference in my classroom and how things ran in my room. I also think it would make a significant impact on my attitude.

- I never implemented my idea for an "office" theme in the classroom that I had planned for my first year. I wish I would have.

Well that is most of my random thoughts about teaching and some about not teaching this year. I know without a shadow of doubt that I am following God's will right now for my life and I couldn't be happier. I'm very excited to see what happens in the next several months as I start seminary and I begin to prepare to be a missionary. However, I doubt that my desire to teach that has been a part of me since I was 5 will ever really go away.