A little soul-searching

Today was like most typical Saturdays in Athens. I slept until almost noon (well on and off after 8:30). I did very little and I felt sad/blue. I believe that I am easily depressed and most weekends I end up this way. The week's help some but because I am not fully happy with my job it is easy for me to feel depressed many evenings as well. I used to blame it on not having friends in Athens but it is really my poor choices and laziness.

So today was a rough Saturday. I wanted to do something but had no energy. Should have cleaned house but had no desire. But I did one thing different than I've done in recent weeks. I opened up the Word of God. Well kind of. I opened up the Bible Study book that I have (I started a new Bible Study this past Wednesday at church - Pursuing More of Jesus by Anne Graham Lotz - its a women's bible study). In the book, were passages that we are to read through this week. I have not touched this book since Wed. night so I needed to read 3 sections. What I love about this book, is that the first lesson was teaching HOW to read the Bible in a way for God to speak to you. I know this sounds stupid and pretty lazy on my part but I really haven't learned a good way to read the word of God since becoming a Christian when I was 8. I read sections and ponder them or I read devotionals. So if I get nothing else out of this Bible study (which is HIGHLY doubtful) I will at least have learned a good approach to reading the Bible.

So tonight, I opened this book and read through John 10:1-5. God spoke. His words piercing my heart and not really feeling me with happiness but leading me to a little soul-searching. During my devotions tonight, God spoke to me that He knows who we truly are and we cannot pretend around Him. This lead me to seriously think about who I am, how I act, what I do, what I focus on, my thoughts. This was NOT particularly uplifting. I am a broken vessel. I am so unworthy of God and his love for me. I am such a sinful person.

I wrote down what I do most days or where my focus is most days...nothing included God! How terrible of a person I am! I call myself a Christian. Try to persuade others through my lifestyle that I believe in God but when I am 100% honest I rarely include God in my thoughts on a daily basis! I pray but usually when I'm really frustrated or don't know what else to do. I talk to friends about Christ or about LEAVING my job to go to seminary and I focus on God at church on Sundays (and well I guess Wed. night now too). Horrible, terrible, hypocrite...there are more words I could use but I'll stop there.

BUT, there is one thing that I wrote down that is important. I am a child of God! So even though I know all of these things are VERY true about myself, I also know that God loves me even though I am all these things. He holds me in His hand. He will never let go. He is refining me. He is teaching me. Praise the LORD!

So tonight, I am hurting because I know that I am not the person I want to be. I am not giving God my all. I am not living a life that is sacrificed to him. The good news is that recognizing this is a good first step. Wanting to become more disciplined and focus on God so that He can refine me into a willing vessel, into a person that lives sacrificially for him is a good second step.

My desire tonight is to become more disciplined in Bible study and my prayer life. My desire is for God to use me. My desire to become a Christian that is on fire for Christ. That I live my life so that NO ONE can mistake who I live for and what I believe. I don't want to be a lukewarm Christian any more.

Blessings ~