Sacrifice

The last few days my heart has been heavy. Yesterday, I was busy painting my living room and did not give time to think about what God was stirring my heart about. Today because of the rain I did not feel as productive and so instead of getting busy I sat and sat and sat and had lots of time to think.

I do not like this thinking. This thinking is hard and challenging and is pushing me out of my comfort zone. For several months now, God has been leading me to leave Gaines Elementary to go to seminary and prepare to be a foreign missionary. All of this has been exciting to me. I have this great passion for ministry and for missions. A passion far greater than teaching (well teaching in a school). I had forgotten how passionate about this I am. I think it is because I have placed myself in education and followed that path but God is pulling me away from that.

God is amazing! He didn't do this in one swift yank but has been preparing me for it. I love to look back in my life and see the pieces of how God has stitched together different events of my life as He is working. As I look back, I see my frustrations with teaching in Hong Kong. I see my love for Asia. I see the overwhelming impact my trip to Cambodia was. I see my move to Athens and how it gave me blessings beyond measure: spending more time with my family, building a much stronger bond with my grandmother, being a homeowner. I also see struggles in this time, mostly struggles at work but also struggles as I searched for a church home.

These struggles are powerful in how God is pulling me away from education. During the last year and 9 months or so, I have become more and more frustrated with teaching. I'm not just teaching. Instead it is about paperwork, data, meetings, demands, limited time and too many students, but for me its mostly about the fact that my passion for teaching is not teaching in a school setting. I love to help people learn new things. I love to teach new skills but I do not love data collections, paperwork, and the politics of teaching.

As I look back, I see God working in my life. He is revealing to me things about myself while blessing me beyond measure. As I left for camp last summer, I left thinking I hated teaching but with the intent of teaching for 2-4 more years while deciding on and completing a masters degree that was outside of teaching. God had different plans. He changed my plans. He lead me to leaving Gaines Elementary School at the end of this school year, to apply and intend on planning Southeastern Seminary in the fall, and to move from Athens to Wake Forest, NC. All of this with the intention of becoming a foreign missionary in a few years and moving back to Asia. All of this has been exciting! God has been preparing me for this. Teaching is not for me and leaving it is not an issue for me because I'm not passionate about it. Missions is a passion. I love it. I love talking about. I love preparing for it. I love praying about it. I love being involved with it. I am passionate about spreading the name of Jesus. Starting seminary is exciting.

So why is the thinking the last two days difficult, out of my comfort zone thinking? Because it is requiring a sacrifice. I blogged yesterday about the impact that some bloggers trip to Kenya with Compassion International has had on me for the last week. Well that trip has also had me thinking some about finances. The last two days this verse has not left my head:

When Jesus heard this, he said to him, "You still lack one thing. Sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.
Luke 18:22

For the last several months, I have been planning on renting my house. I reasoned that I could refinance it, rent it for now, and then sell it before moving overseas and use the profit to pay off all debt before moving. It seems like a perfectly sensible plan as Athens market works to recover still. But I think God has different plans for me. This verse talks about selling everything. I don't have tons to sell and at the moment I don't think God truly wants me to sell all my possessions. I do think He wants me to sell my house though.

Selling my house saddens me greatly. I LOVE my house. I love the big bedrooms. I love the space for myself. I love being able to paint it, decorate it, and live in it how I want to. I love that it has enough room for all my stuff (which I have way too much of). I love the layout (well most of it). I love just spending time here. Even though I know I'm moving, since I was planning on renting it, I knew I still had it. It was still mine.

But honestly, I don't want to deal with replacing/fixing problems while renters are here and I'm not planning on moving back to Athens. Let's be realistic. I'm planning on moving to Asia. What purpose do I have in this owning this house? None really except that I love it. None except that from a world view selling later seems more realistic and practical.

So for me selling my house will be me sacrificing. It would be me giving something up to follow God. I like to think I've given up a lot to follow God but realistically I have not. I want to follow God wholeheartedly. I want to be person that would give up all things to follow Him. I realize that being a foreign missionary is going to be difficult, especially in Cambodia which is where I'm praying about a placement at. But this is a first big step. This is about stepping out of my comfort zone. This is about putting it in God's hands and trusting that He will work out all the details for me. This is about trusting God to take care of my finances so that I am able to attend Southeastern come Aug. This about me stepping back out of the picture and letting God take control. To me this is scary. Very scary. But I want to do it.

So tonight, I'm praying over this decision. I'm praying through the verse above. I'm praying that God will continue to guide me. And I'm holding onto the promise of this verse:

I tell you the truth," Jesus said to them, "no one who has left home or wife or brothers or parents or children for the sake of the kingdom of God will fail to receive many times as much in this age and, in the age to come, eternal life.
Luke 18:29-30

Blessings,
Caroline